Greetings, my friend. We are all interested in the future, for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives. And remember my friend, future events such as these will affect you in the future. You are interested in the unknown, the mysterious, the unexplainable. That is why you are here. And now, for the first time, we are bringing to you the full story of what happened on that fateful day. We are bringing you all the evidence, based only on the secret testimony of the miserable souls who survived this terrifying ordeal. The incidents, the places. My friend, we cannot keep this a secret any longer. Let us punish the guilty. Let us reward the innocent. My friend, can your heart stand the shocking facts about the remake of the worst movie ever made?
Been a while since I did this. S.T. wouldn't stop hogging the fucking room for his music and art. I don't know what he was on when he created those personas within personas, but I want some.
Anywho. This one I've waited 10 years to do because that's how long it took me to find this movie.
At around 2012 I first heard it announced on Cinemassacre, with James Rolfe appearing as a character within it. Since then, either because I wasn't looking too hard or because he didn't want to talk about it, I have not heard shit since. I had no idea they even released it 7 years ago. It wasn't until I saw it on Tubi a few days ago that I was able to watch it. This is Plan 9.
For those who don't know what I'm talking about. Plan 9 is a remake of the infamous Ed Wood classic, Plan 9 from outerspace. A story about aliens, in an attempt to make the human race, acknowledge their existence, resurrect the dead and reek havoc. This movie was famous for two things. The first, being that it was acknowledged as one of the worst movies ever made. By that I don't just mean, weak story or plot. The movie itself was poorly budgeted, the sets so fake that you wonder if this was meant to be the world's first Youtube video decades before Youtube was ever a thing. The second, being the last film ever made with the last existing footage of famous horror legend Bela Lugosi. Whom worked with Wood in previous movies such as Bride of The Monster and Glen or Glenda. Who passed away before he could see the finished result.
Now the thing about this movie at least in my opinion, is that however crappy it was, it did still have a unique story to tell. Similar to The Day The Earth Stood Still, which was made 8 years before Plan 9, the movie features some anti-war elements. Only while Klaatu and Gort's actions served as a warning, yet gave the human race the freedom to heed that warning, the Aliens Eros and Tanna decide to be more forceful, simply because they believe humans are too stupid to heed such warnings.
So needless to say, the solution would just be to make a more straightforward movie with better sets, effects and acting. Ha ha ha. Not that simple.
When it comes to remaking movies in general, it's easy, because even if the remake is worse than the original, they often try to keep the spirit of the story while adding their own spin on it. Movies like Scarface, The Thing and Cape Fear being the prime examples. However when it comes to remaking the worst movie ever made. A movie, while it could use improvement, has often been loved by it's cult followers, because of how ridiculously bad. So John Johnson and his crew at Darkstone Entertainment had to work extra hard to do their own thing, while still bringing the very faults of the original movie in with it. Giving it a balanced, tongue-in-cheek parody of not just the movie, but the Sci-Fi and Horror Genre on it's own.
The movie opens with a fakeout Criswell Predicts segment. The Criswell in this one played by Mr. Lobo. Who is famous for Cinema Insomnia and just 2 years ago appeared as the Landlord of Cinemassacre Rentals, in their Rental Reviews Segment. Here he is playing Criswell on the set of a new Plan 9 being made, only to get into creative differences with the director. This, however is just the tip of the iceberg of his character.
The movie basically follows the plot of the original with a few changes, for example rather than an out right UFO landing, it's a meteor that hits an abandoned school of Nilbog. Which is a reference to the town of Nilbog from another infamously bad movie called Troll 2. The "OH MY GOOOOOOD!!" Movie. Upon landing it sends a pulse that causes all the dead to rise rather than do one to three corpses at a time. The movie also takes place in Halloween. Which explains why one of them is wearing the Dracula cape this time. The story however revolves around new characters. Characters such as, Jeff Trent, played by Brian Krause. Whom if you knew his name, you knew he was no stranger to B movies. Being a Sleepwalker and all. He plays a pilot who is the first to have witnessed the meteor. As well as Lucy Grimm, a scientist who recently lost her grandmother and serves as the exposition of the events. No seriously, it's not just that she's a scientist, she just seems to instantly know and predict what has happened. As well as Boss Man Mike. A Radio DJ, who provides the reports of the events that unfold over the course of the movie. The only character to be transplanted from the movie entirely was Officer Kelton. Whom prior to this remake was a regular in 3 Ed Wood movies, Bride of The Monster, Plan 9 and Night of the Ghouls. Aptly naming it the "Kelton trilogy" by fans. However instead of Paul Marco, since he died 6 years before the official announcement of the movie, he is played here by the director himself John Johnson. In this case he butts heads with Jeff Trent due to an animosity between small townees and city folk. As seen when Jeff tries to report the meteor and Kelton not taking it seriously.
As the town gets attacked, for the moment the characters are separated and trapped in individual locations. With Jeff holding up with a group at a gas station, while Lucy and Kelton are trapped in her laboratory. Unlike the original to which often implies the deaths, the deaths here are shown in all their bloody glory. Zombies tear apart victims limb from limb, are nigh impossible to kill and they have a unique way of putting them down. Rather than shooting them in the head, their main drive is the heart.
And of course like any Zombie apocalypse movie, things get real worse real fast. For starters, unlike Plan 9 as the Hayes Code would crucify Wood for this, kids are just as vulnerable to being killed and reanimating. One of which gets poisoned on screen and later attacking Trent's group.
The only one not quite taking it seriously is Criswell. Ya, he's in there too. Rather than him be a fortune teller fortelling future events, they had the unique twist of this Criswell actually being there. While he's an obnoxious jerk, he does help when the situation calls for it, but at the same time he seems to view life as one big movie. Hence his attitude.
Eventually help comes to Lucy and Kelton in the form of more cops. One of which being played by a certain internet nerd who goes crazy over bad games. His name. Officer Cop Policeman. I am not even fucking kidding. But the lackluster name is forgiven because in true AVGN fashion, he's the group badass. Knocking off Zombies left and right. Unfortunately he ends up becoming stupid for the sake of the plot and getting killed when he thought he found help. It's a shame this movie didn't get much traction for James Rolfe would have been the Ensemble Darkhorse. Next to Criswell.
While they try to figure out what's going on, the military steps in and quarantines the area. Implying this isn't the first time this happened. So this makes me wonder, is this a remake or a loose sequel ala Halloween 2018? They're not the only one, for Wood regular Conrad Brooks, cameos as Jamie. An old Timer unfazed by the events. It's my guess, but I think he's meant to be Officer Jamie of the original movie, living out his retirement days as all Hell breaks loose. However, their intervention proves to be worse, as they are ordered to kill anyone on sight. Be it human, alien or zombies. The Aliens are no slouch either. In the original movie Eros and Tanna look just like ordinary people, albeit with recycled Medieval movie costumes as their suits. Here, they look like ordinary people......with razor sharp teeth, hands strong enough to rip hearts out and armed to the teeth with laser guns that instantly kill any who get shot. So while I should hate the military, I don't blame them in the slightest.
Anywho eventually after a massive bodycount and various nude scenes, Lucy, Kelton, Trent and Crisswell managed to meet up with each other and storm the school. They find out that the Aliens are after Lucy. Why? Because she is the creator of the Solaronite, the sun exploding bomb that the aliens were trying to prevent in the original. When the leader confronts her over it, I have to admit I am impressed. They took one of the most silly lines ("You're Stupid Minds!! Stupid Stupid!!) and turn it into a chilling monologue. What's left of the military destroys their HQ, while the leader is left for dead. The zombies eventually drop dead. However the leader is still at large, planning to reek havoc in another town.
The movie, by no means is meant to be a great movie. It's not even a good movie. But that's the point. As I mentioned before they were trying to improve on the story and the set while at the same time give the Wood fans something to love. For example, the airplane in this movie is an obvious fake, but the interior and exterior had vastly improved over the shoddy set with the dinner plate barometer in the background. The aliens are genuinely scary, yet still over the top as befitting of an Ed Wood movie. And they really improved on some things character wise. Even the dumb Kelton improved and becomes badass in the end.
It's easy to tell there was a lot of love for this, by fans of many and I kinda wish they do the same with Woods other films. I would love to see how they take on Bride of The Monster.
My friend, you have read this incident based on sworn testimony. Can you prove that it didn't happen? Perhaps on your way home someone will pass you in the dark, and you will never know it, for they will be from that movie. For all you know we could be in the movie they're watching. Many scientists believe that another world is watching us at this moment. We once laughed at the smartphone, the virtual assistant, the smart security, video streaming from private film and television companies and even VR. And now I hope some of us will have a good laugh at this brilliant Trashterpiece. God help us in the future.
