Straight Up Reviews: Birth of The Dragon

 

What can be said about Bruce Lee that wasn't already said for the past 49 years?  Some view him as a legend and a pioneer of Mixed Martial Arts, as well as an amazing entertainer in the Action circuit. One that was gone too soon, before he could even make it big in the world. Others see him as a phony arrogant asshole actor that got lucky. With no martial arts skills and no competitions in his belt.  

Myself, I'm the former, however I try to put the Legend aspects into real world perspective.  I admire him as an actor and a teacher and he was one of the main inspirations for me getting into Martial Arts.  However at the same time, I don't treat him at all invincible like most Lee fans. If anything what reveres me to him the most are the little moments I hear about in his life where he does claim vulnerability.  To me a Legend isn't immortalized by the feats they commit, but why they commit them. 

Which brings me to this movie.  Birth of The Dragon.  When I saw the trailer, I was hyped.   This was the first time ever, even in broad strokes someone decided to make a movie based on the moment that truly defined Bruce Lee.  However, I was hesitant to watch it, due to the numerous bad reviews on it.  Which I will get to.  However first a little context.

The movie itself, was based off an article by Michael Dorgan.  Which in turn documents the story of an alleged encounter between Bruce Lee and Wong Jack Man.  Said encounter has been debated endlessly by all sides.  Among most things, why the fight happened and who won.  

I recommend everyone read it: http://www.kungfu.net/brucelee.html

Now, before I get into that part I want to make something perfectly clear.  I do not think any of the people involved in this movie intended to do harm to Bruce Lee's name nor his family. Which is more than I could say for Once Upon a Time in Hollywood.

See, many people wonder why a biopic is so hard to make on this person, when there have been so many biopics about others for less than what he accomplished.   Here's the thing though.

When it comes to Musicians, Sports Stars, Famous Scientists and other people Hollywood finds interesting enough to make a movie about, there is not much to do. Just show what their story is about, what their occupation is and with some artistic liberties make even the most mundane aspects of it entertaining.  

With Bruce Lee however, it's notoriously difficult.  Because even to this day, not everyone can separate the legend from the real man, many movies,  even the ones that gain a more positive reception than others,  feel they have to invoke more on his legendary movie persona, than the actual person behind it.  This movie is no exception and much like this movie, the others got it way wrong too.

For example, Dragon The Bruce Lee Story.  Considered the definitive biopic of Bruce in the 90s.  Yet a lot of it was grossly inaccurate.  From minor details like Bruce neglecting his family for his career to major ones like a family demon curse.  Yet that ends up being the best one despite making roughly the same mistakes, Birth and others made after.  

Now with that out of the way here's the movie itself.  

The story revolves, not around just Bruce, but around 3 people.  There's Bruce himself, which in this case takes place in 1964.  In real life, this was around the time Bruce founded Jun-Fan Kung-Fu.  Which became the starting point of his career.  Here though it's a more actionized setting in which he runs his school in the "bad" side of Chinatown run by gangs.  So naturally on top of being a simple Martial Arts teacher trying to make it in the Movie World as well, he's the resident vigilante protecting people.  Then there's Wong Jack Man. A shaolin Monk who arrived in America, to work as a dishwasher in Chinatown. Then finally there's the character, many wish weren't in the movie, yet despite that talk about him the most. Steve McKee.  I'll get to that later.   Anyway,  Steve is Lee's student of Jun-Fan Kung Fu and he works as a laundryman in Chinatown with his friend Vinnie Wei.  During a delivery, he meets Xiulan, who works as an employee for Auntie Blossom. A gangster who runs a restaurant/brothel and refuses to let Xiulan talk to anyone outside the establishment.  Of course forbidden love ensues at possibly the worst time.  While McKee, gets along well with Wong Jack Man, Bruce has reservations.  He believes Wong Jack Man was sent by the locals, to cease teaching Non Chinese Students Kung Fu.  Wong however denies it, only stating that he notices limitations in the current style Bruce was trying to advertise.   One of many things that prompt Bruce to challenge him to a fight. Which he refuses.  In a bid to know why, McKee gets to know Man and finds out, he's here to atone for nearly killing a fellow student in a demonstration of his style.  One of the reasons why he refuses to fight Lee.  Seeing an opportunity to pass on his lessons, he teaches Steve a few.  Which in turn causes Steve to leave Lee's academy.  Further increasing tension between them.  When news about the feud spreads all over Chinatown, Auntie Blossom, sees a gambling opportunity and using Xiulan as leverage, forces Steve to get both to fight.  Offering to release her regardless of who wins or loses.  

Wong accepts the challenge, but there is a slight snag.  Xiulan refuses to leave without her roomates.  All of which are under the control of Wing Lo. A gangster associate of Auntie Blossom.  

Lee and Man set the conditions of the fight, with 12 witnesses and an empty warehouse.  Blossom and McKee being among them.  

The fight ensues, with each side gaining an upperhand on the other.  However it doesn't go as you would expect.  Despite both being winded after a spectacular battle (No seriously. If not for anything else watch it for this fight.),  there was no clear winner and neither side wants to fight the other anymore.  Both go home to reflect on the fight, leaving Blossom enraged as she wanted at least one winner.  Wing Lo even gives her an ultimatum, 24 hours to get an official winner or Xiulan as well as the other girls get trafficked.  

Lee is at home reflecting on how despite it all, in his mind, the fight took too long.  Causing him to reflect on what Wong mentioned about his limitations.  Steve after getting the message from Blossom, implores Wong to declare himself the winner or loser, but due to the complexity which he also believes Lee to be aware of, he cannot make a clear decision.  After sending a message to Lee, Steve goes to get Xiulan out himself.

Knowing he'll be killed, Lee asks Wong for help and the two storm the Restaurant taking down as many of Blossom and Lo's men as they could, before confronting Blossom and Lo.  Wong concedes in hopes it would let Xiulan go.  However Lee refuses.  It seems like he was trying to be the better man, but he proved he is the better man.  By demanding that all the girls get released, not just Xiulan.  They accept and let them go.  

Wong leaves America, in hopes that Lee may carry on the legacy without him and Lee discusses the idea of a new style, which basically is the precursor to Jeet Kune Do.

First things first.  The elephant in the room.  Steve McKee.  This character was accused of Whitewashing, for being the thing that drives the plot, instead of Lee or Wong Jack Man.  I respectfully disagree.  It wouldn't be much of a movie about the differences of styles, if there wasn't at least one student that serves as the audience surrogate.  In fact, the fact that it's a white person, has no bearing on it whatsoever, save for leaning to Lee's side of the story, that he was told not to teach non chinese students.  If anything if they were taking that part of the story seriously, then Steve should have not been the only Non-Chinese Student.  If you looked at one of the Student photos, you'll notice that there are a boat load of non-chinese students in Lee's Roster,  including but not limited to James Coburn and Kareem Abdul Jabbar. Now could they have done it better in that department, yes.  But the fact that they stuck to one, means that they limit it to one story. Second thing.  To those that claim Steve McKee never existed.  While yes, there is no one by that name in any of Bruce Lee's history.  However Steve McKee is a real person.  His name is really Steve McQueen.  In fact when I first heard his name in the trailer I immediately thought that maybe this was a story about Lee told by McQueen.  I was wrong, however the character itself can literally be copy and pasted from what is often been told about McQueen in life.  His love of motorcycles, his hot headed attitude and reckless behaviour are literal dead ringers to it and I am shocked and disgusted that many so called Lee fans, never picked up on it. Now granted McQueen never witnessed the fight in real life. So safe to say, they were more into the characterization of him rather than anything true about him.  Just like Lee. 

Now onto the meat of the review.  As a movie itself, I loved it.  It had lot's of action and Phillip Ng, did portray a great Lee.  He had a good balance of the movie persona and the persona we all want to really know. What he succeeded in where Once Upon A Time In America failed at, was that they never made him too arrogant. If anything he was more like a prankster, like Hong Kong's answer to Spider-man.  Ironically this took place 2 years after Spider-man was first created.  Wong's Actor Xia Yu is no slouch either.  He really made me believe that Wong was less like an arrogant bigoted prick and more like a victim of circumstance.  Then there's Steve's actor.  Billy Mangussen had the difficult task of playing a character, no one liked in real life and had to live with the torment he would eventually receive for angry fans.  Many of which wrongfully blaming him directly for the way the movie went.  As Steve, he did a great job making me believe that McQueen really did witness all this. 

The movie itself had spectacular fight scenes and has even took me by surprise numerous times. 

For starters, despite being a Bruce hyped movie, it gave a lot of wiggle room between Bruce and Wong Jack Man, so that the audience could decide for themselves who won and who was in the right.  Giving hints that it could be either or.  Which personally I loved, because let's face it odds are there are people whom have thought fondly of Wong Jack Man in his own circle and would be dissapointed if he wasn't given some leeway.  Personally I believe Lee won and that he was in the right. The fight had to start from something. 

Second, I would never thought in a million years they'd do a bit with Wong Jack Man and Bruce Lee working together.  Now granted, regardless if it's a biopic, a brucesploitation film or even something as stupid as Once Upon A Time in Hollywood, a fight with Bruce is inevitable.  Yet, not only do they work together, they work together well, mixing old fashioned Kung-Fu with what would eventually become Jeet Kune Do at the time.  Not to mention, Bruce seemed to take his cue from The Doctor, using spoons as weapons. It's the little things that make it worth watching.

Now I understand why many people are upset with this movie, but come on.  You really should have seen it coming for the following reason.  While Universal and Blumhouse productions are well revered today with coming up with the best works, especially in the horror villains, there is one studio, that brought even them down hard.  WWE Studios.  These guys are not really known for a great track record in movies considering most of them are just made to plug their wrestlers.  That being said, if you look at it less in a Universal/Blumhouse light and more of a WWE light, then you'll see this movie is absolutely perfect in that genre, because it's looked through the lens of a professional wrestling story. Let's do a checklist.

1. Mix-Matched historically inaccurate events that hype up the characters? Check.
2. Pre-Fight Taunting with post-Kayfabe talks in private?  Check. 
3. Spectacular entrances, demonstrations and moves by each opponent? Check.
4. A Heel (Bruce) vs A Face (Wong). Double fucking check. No seriously, while they toned it down for him, Bruce literally comes off as his version of a Wrestling Heel.
5. Enemies becoming friends after spending most of their story taunting and beating each other? Check fucking mate.

I could go on, but I don't want to have all the fun.  All and all, as far as adaptations and biopics go, this isn't the worst one.  It's not perfect, but they at least tried. 

Straight Up Reviews: Honey, I Shrunk The Kids

With the 2 year anniversary of his death being exactly two days away, I thought I'd end my Stuart Gordon Tribute, by reviewing the movie that got me started on it.  

What's that?  You didn't know? You think I'm crazy?  There is no way in Hell the creators of the Re-Animator movies, would ever create a Disney backed family friendly science fiction adventure?  Well they did, go ahead look it up. 

This all started in the late 80s.  Stuart Gordon whom had kids at this point of his career wanted to show them what he did for a living, but was worried showing them his early work would traumatize them.  So he and his long time co-worker/friend Bryan Yuzna created a story titled Teenie Weenies.  Which later got changed to Honey I Shrunk The Kids. He was originally gonna direct, but due to an illness, he dropped out.  With Disney replacing him with Joe Johnston, whom you may know as the guy who jump started the Captain America side of the MCU Franchise.  

While I've seen this movie many times, up until a couple years ago I had no idea Gordon and Yuzna created this. At the time I first watched this, I was around 4 - 5 years old and nothing about it at the time to me, screamed horror.  I thought maybe I was simply easily unfazed.  However at my current age of 30, watching this knowing what I know now, it offers a unique perspective which I will get to after the review. 

Before I talk about the movie, there is one elephant in the room I want to get out of the way.  

Much like most kids in the 80s and 90s, I first saw the movie through VHS.  And it came with a short called "Tummy Trouble." So along with watching this movie for the first time, I got a first glimpse of the world of Who Framed Roger Rabbit. Which I also heard was shown in theatres as a means of reminiscing about the shorts shown in local theatres.  From what I've heard, many people only bought the movie just to see that short.  The short was the first of three.  Second if you count the opening short of the movie.  The other two being Roller Coaster Rabbit which was on Dick Tracy and Trail Mix-up which is on A Far Off Place.   However I won't review these as Gordon and Yuzna were not involved in it.

The movie revolves around two sets of characters.  Two Families to be exact.  You first have Thompsons an average, somewhat dysfunctional family comprised of the Patriarch Russ Sr. Played by Matthew Frewer,   Mae played by Kristine Sutherland, Russ Jr. played by Thomas Wilson Brown and Ronald Thompson played by Jared Rushton.   In an effort to bond with both kids, Russ Sr. tries to take them out camping and fishing.  Ron is all for it, but Russ Jr is at that point in a teenager's life trying to search for his "thing".  Not to mention having a crush on a certain girl next door. However things turn upside down thanks to some quirky neighbours.   The Szalinskis.  There's their Matriarch, Diane played by Marcia Strassman, their kids Amy and Nick played by Amy O'Neil and Robert Oliveri. Finally we have the patriarch the one man whom without, this movie would be nothing: Wayne Szalinski played by Rick Moranis.  Think of him as like a more of a toned down, family oriented version of Herbert West.  Someone who means well, but his obsession with his work nearly becomes the ruin of his family and others.  In this case, he is an inventor and while he's no slouch in the gadget department, a far cry from inventor characters who's gadgets often seldom or don't work at all. For example, they have a working Remote Control Lawnmower and a Solar Powered coffee machine.  The invention he's tinkering with? The Shrink Ray.   By his theory the machine is supposed to compress the empty space between molecules which in turn is supposed to make the object or life form smaller.  However, the problem is, that each thing he tests on explodes.   As shown when he turns an apple into apple sauce, in an attempt to shrink it.  Since his work requires him to be a stay at home dad save for the occasional consultation of fellow inventors, Diane is the breadwinner.  A real estate agent, whom despite her love for Wayne, it is all but said, that their marriage is on the rocks, due to his obsession with inventing.  Meanwhile Nick and Amy cope in their own ways in the typical 80s style.  With Nick trying to be more like his dad and Amy, trying to be the more normal teen of the family. Engaging in dates at the mall and hanging out with friends.  

Save for the occasional feud between the two based on Wayne's tinkering disrupting the neighborhood, The Thompsons and Szalinskis keep to themselves and get on with their normal lives.  That is until Ron screws things up.  While Wayne is out trying to pitch his invention and Diane is out trying to show a house,  Amy is left alone to babysit Nick while she waits for her date.  Ron was doing some solo batting practice when he hits his baseball in the attic window of the Szalinski household. Which wouldn't be such a big deal, just pay for the damages and be on your way right?  Wrong.  For the attic is where the Shrink Ray is being housed and the ball activated it before getting into the path of the laser. The havoc causing it to shoot at Wayne's Chair and Thinking Couch.  Russ Jr. drags Ron to the household both to get his ball back and to try to sweet talk Amy, whom he has a huge crush on.  Nick and Ron go in the attic looking for the ball only to be the first to get shot by the machine. At first we are all lead to believe that rather than blow up, that the machine disintegrated them and the furniture.  That is until Amy and Russ Jr. show up to check on Nick and Ron only to be shot themselves.  Shrinking them down to 3/4 of an inch tall.  Or as Ron puts it, the size of boogers.  Wayne comes home after being a laughing stalk among the science community and the kids try to get his attention.  Only for him not to hear them.  As if that wasn't enough, he gets mad at the machine and smashes it to bits, preventing them from going back to normal size.  Just when things can't possibly get any worse, he sweeps up the remains accidentally sweeping the kids up with them.  Putting them all in a garbage bag which is thrown out in the back yard for pick up.  Using a discarded piece of glass, the kids get out to find that their typical backyard in the perspective of a shrunken person is a massive jungle and it would take days just to get to the back porch.  

The movie then divides it's time between the adults and the kids as they make their way.  Both the Szalinskis and the Thompsons realize their kids are missing and try to call the police for help, but to no avail. Wayne finds out that his machine worked and most importantly the kids have been shrunk and he accidentally threw them out to his horror.  He searches the trash bag to find it's been cut open, causing him to deduce that the kids are in the backyard.  While he tries to search for them the kids deal with their own problems.  Their first plan was to whistle for their dog Quark, however while it works, Quark is petrified of the Thompson cat, who keeps scaring Quark away.  In an attempt to find high ground, they all climb a flower only for Nick to fall in. Which in turn attracts a bee who captures him.  Russ Jr. rides the bee with him as they hang on for their lives.  However said bee causes Wayne to swing at it with Ron's baseball bat nearly killing them.  (Which leads to the events above in him figuring out what happened to the kids.) Which in turn seperates Russ Jr. and Nick from Amy and Ron.  In an attempt to search for the kids, Wayne accidentally turns on the sprinkler. Which in the kid's POV has them nearly bombarded by meteor sized water droplets.  Amy and Ron find Nick and Russ Jr., but Amy nearly drowns in mud after the next drop causes her to fall.   Russ Jr. rescues and revives her using CPR he jokes to Nick about learning from French Class.   

Wayne comes clean to Diane about what may have happened at first prompting her to faint, but they both work together to find the kids.   Worried they may not be able to cover more ground, they tell the Thompsons what happened, using the couch as proof.  However neither one believes them and due to poorly worded mention of the machine blowing things up before, Russ Sr. finally has enough and threatens Wayne.  Implying that he will slowly tear him to pieces with an air hammer if he finds out Wayne is responsible for what happened to his kids. 

The kids find an oatmeal cookie in the middle of the yard and feast on it to stay alive.  Only to run into a baby ant.   They're scared at first, but they realize that not only is it harmless, but it also is attracted to pieces of the cookie.  Which they use to turn it into a makeshift sled dog, which Ron affectionately names Antie.  They find a lego which they use for shelter and Russ confesses his crush on Amy, which she seems to reciprocate. Ron tries to make Antie leave, as they don't need it anymore, but Antie had grown fond of the kids and wants to stay with them.  However their shelter is short lived when a scorpion attacks them.  While I was unfazed by some of the more horrific stuff surrounding this, I can no doubt tell you, that this Scorpion is fucking scary.  Not just because of the design, which could also apply to the Bee prop and the prop they used to make Antie,  but this thing was sadistic.  It didn't just try to kill the kids, it tormented them. Seeming to want Ron as it's first meal.  His screams don't go unnoticed though as Antie comes in to save him.  While Antie manages to get the Scorpion's attention and effortlessly dodge and get a few hits in,  the Scorpion eventually overpowers and kills Antie.  Prompting the kids to go berserk and fight it off.  Scaring it away and even presumably killing it with a well timed spear shot.  This made me sad back then because I didn't know at the time that Scorpion's were venomous and merely thought it simply stabbed Antie to death with it's stinger.  Knowing now made me even sadder.  

Wayne works tirelessly to repair the machine while the kids nearly make it to the back porch.  However an unexpected horror approaches.  Early on in the movie, Nick had this friend Tommy, who he shows the remote control Lawnmower to.  In exchange for a box of cookies, Nick let Tommy use it next time he come over.  This was especially funny because although the Lawnmower was cool and all, he basically conned a kid into paying him for free labour.  Naturally Tommy wasn't around to see Nick and the others get shrunk so he shows up to play around with the lawnmower as Wayne and Diana rest.  They hear the Lawnmower and stop him just in time but the force of the winds it created caused them to fly a foot or two away from the porch, putting them in the halfway point.  However, as luck would have it, Quark finds them and they grab onto his fur.   I loved this because unlike most movies where the pet would consider the shrunken person as food, Quark is the exception.  He doesn't attack or try to eat the kids.  Instead does everything he can to help them.  Just as Quark was about to get to the Doggy door, he is blocked by the Thompson Cat.  However Quark is in no mood to take the cat's shit anymore and for once remembers he's a dog and dogs chase cats. He growls and chases off the cat and gets into the house.  He tries to alert Wayne and Diane that the kids are on his back, but his reckless jumping causes Nick to fall into Wayne's bowl of Cheerios.  Quark stops Wayne just in time as he almost eats Nick and Wayne finally finds the kids.  He brings them all to the attic and brings the Thompsons over, proving they are shrunk.  However while the machine is fixed, it still runs into the same blow up problem.  Using Charades, the kids clue them in that the Baseball was what caused it.  Wayne figures out that the reason the baseball works was because, before, the laser was giving too much heat which caused things to explode.  So using the Baseball and Russ Sr. as a test subject,  Wayne finally sees for himself that the Shrink Ray works.  The movie ends with The Szalinskis and The Thompsons becoming friends and presumably patent partners as the celebrate with enlarged food.  Before the credits roll, Nick finally gets Russ Jr.'s joke. 

The movie was exactly how I remember it, but having watched Gordon's horror work, it gave ma a whole new perspective on it.  He made this movie to be like a kid-friendly version of his usual works. The effects used for the monsters could very well fit in with such movies like From Beyond and to top it off much like Re-Animator, it's all about a scientist trying to perfect his work almost at the cost of others. The movie itself could very well fit in the Re-Animator universe, like Doctor Who and Torchwood.  

The movie was successful enough to warrant 2 sequels.  The first being Honey, I Blew Up The Kid, which deals with Wayne accidentally growing his baby boy Adam.  The second being Honey, We Shrunk Ourselves.  Which for once focused more on what would happen if the adults got into the same hi-jinx as the kids. 

The less said about Allison Mack the better.  

Actually no.  I may as well say it while I can.  I first saw her in that very movie before she became famous as Chloe Sullivan on Smallville.  Sullivan was not just one of my favourite characters, but she was so popular that DC Comics made a version of her in their universe proper, much like they did with Harley Quinn after her debut in the DCAU Batman Animated Series.  She was literally the definition of a good friend, especially considering her friend happens to be Clark fucking Kent.  What was Mack like after Smallville ended?  She became a mastermind of some sex trafficking cult. That was shocking enough.  However what really shocked me is despite all evidence showing that she was primarily responsible for these women getting kidnapped, raped and sold on the black market, they reduced her 14 year sentence to 3 years, because she claimed to be remorseful.  Either she's very smart or the legal system is full of morons, because SHE'S A PROFESSIONAL ACTRESS!!! For all you know she could be faking said remorse. Robin Williams character on Mrs. Doubtfire didn't get as much leeway as Mack did.  Double Standards much?  This was the same kinda crap that got Karla Homolka out of Jail. Think on that.  Ok, mini-rant over.

 As well as 3D Interactive Epcot movie called Honey, I Shrunk The Audience, which features Wayne and Nick trying to save the audience from the disasters made by the Shrink Ray.  There was also a TV series which expanded on the Hi-Jinx of the Szalinskis whom at this point were not played by the original cast.  Mainly because Rick Moranis was retired at this point. With Peter Scolari replacing him.  Stuart Gordon even directed a couple of episodes crossing off that goal in his bucket list.  Despite the name, the Shrink Ray was rarely used and it mostly involved other Szalinski inventions going haywire.   My personal favourite episodes being "Honey There's a Pox on Our house." which is basically Chicken Pox recovery Szalinski style.  As well as the Gordon Directed "Honey, Let's Trick or Treat." In which they accidentally bring urban legends to life.  

Last but not least, there was talks of a 4th feature film coming out in the series, entitled Shrunk.  While not much is known, what is certain is this.  Rick Moranis may be returning as Wayne Szalinski, while the movie is mostly revolved around Nick, whom is played this time by Josh Gad.   Now the movie itself was announced in 2018, but up to now has been delayed.  Mostly due to the Covid-19 pandemic as well as an unfortunate incident regarding Moranis.  Just 2 years ago next October, Rick Moranis was assaulted by some punk, while he was on his walk in New York.  While he suffered minor injuries, I'm pretty sure he may have needed some time to recover from being randomly punched out.  Said punk by the name of Marquis Ventura was arrested over a month later.  

This movie is where I think Gordon Peaked as he was able to if only briefly get out of the B-Movie circuit and become an A-Lister.  With movies like Castle Freak and Dagon being his return to form.  

Stuart, you were one of a kind and neither the world of Lovecraft or Disney will ever be the same without you. Rest in Peace you wonderful sick bastard.

Straight Up Reviews: Robot Jox

 

 

Oh my God, I didn't think this movie actually existed.  I thought I imagined it.  This was a movie I have not seen since I was around 6 years old.  While most people got their Robot Fight genre start with shows and movies like Battletech, Gundam, Voltron and Transformers. This was the movie that started it for me.  Until recently I had no idea that Stuart Gordon made this.  So at the time this and Honey I Shrunk the Kids were my first official foray into the mind of this mad Genius.  

The movie itself was directed by Gordon and screenplayed famed Science Fiction Author Joe Halderman.  Neither got along due to creative differences and what they considered a mess ended up becoming one of the Wests' first foray into the Mech Fight Genre in a live action movie.  Something that was succeeded by movies like Pacific Rim and even the Michael Bay Transformers franchise.  

The movie itself stars Gary Graham and Anne-Marie Johnson, both of whom have a long career in Television.  It also features Gordon regulars Robert Sampson whom you may remember as Dean Halsey in Re-Animator and Hillary Mason whom you've may have seen as Hillary Hartwick in Dolls.  As well as Danny Kamekona.  Aka Sato from Karate Kid Part II. It is also the film debut for legendary voice actor Jason Marsden.  

The movie takes place 50 years into the future at the time.  A nuclear holocaust during the Cold War, caused the remnants of humanity to rethink how to solve their territorial disputes.  The surviving nations decided that all disputes will be settled through single combat.  In a gladiator style match between two mech warriors and the champions that pilot them. Called Robot Jox.   The main dispute seems to be between The Market, a stand in for all the allied nations at the time, mostly American. As well as their foes, The Confederation who seem to be a mash-up between the Soviet Union and The Nazi Party.  The movie itself opens in Siberia, where the Confederation's Champion, Alexander has defeated his Market Opponent, who surrenders, due to being paralyzed from a broken back.  Not that it saves him, where he has a philosophy that to truly defeat your opponent, you have to kill them.  And he does with one single step of his robot. He then challenges the Market's greatest Champion.  Achilles.  

Through some exposition there is talk that the matches have become so heated that the Confederation is sending spies to the Market so they have an advantage over them.   Which factored in the defeat of their recent Jox.  Tex Conway, a former champ, who has the record of surviving 10 contracted fights, insists that Achilles should have been the one to fight Alexander, but Commissioner Jameson, who is the head of the Market Team, says they're saving him for last to fight for Alaska.  Which has been said to have an abundance of natural resources such as oil and clean water.  Achilles himself is not to thrilled about fighting Alexander, but since it's his 10th and last fight, he gets ready for it.

He spars with a new generation of Jox called GenJox.  Named due to them being artificially created humans, genetically modified to be superior Jox.  Of course like most sports teams, there is a bit of racism between the natural born humans and the GenJox, whom the human Jox nickname "Tubies". Ironically Tubi was where I found this movie after all these years.  So take that Gattaca, Stuart Gordon and Joe Halderman predicted Gene Racism before you did.  

Anywho, despite the prejudice, Achilles seems to taken a shine to the first female GenJox, Athena.  Athena in turn is a huge fan of him and Tex during his Jox days.  Often asking questions on how two ordinary humans could win such impossible battles and earn their status as national heroes.  

As they prepare Achilles for his fight with Alexander, we get an insight to how the sport works. While it is an alternative to war, it is treated as a sport.  A mashup between contact fighting and vehicular sports, like the Nascar Races and Demolition Derbies. With a team backing up the Robot and Jox to help them strategist and plan their moves carefully. There's even bets being placed.   

In a cameo by legendary actor and Gordon Regular, Jeffery Combs. He and a buddy are placing bets on the fight.  Only instead of money, the winner gets to have a stake in the team's stock market.  Also, the movie takes place in a world where it's so bad to go outside, you need to wear medical masks.  Sound familiar?  I once wanted to ask Jeffery Combs how Herbert West would deal with Covid and I got my answer here.   Placing bets on Robot fights was not what I expected, but at the same time, why wouldn't he?

The fight seems pretty straightforward.  At a distance they fire projectile weapons at each other, with Achilles' Robot, having a secret green laser as his advantage.  However due to the aformentioned spy stuff, it gets countered easily. Once close enough the referees declare long range weapons to be forbidden.  So naturally they fight hand to hand. Alexander seems to gain an advantage, knocking Achilles down, but Achilles takes him down a peg and trips him.  Causing him in desperation to fire his rocket hand, only for it to spin out of control and head for the bleachers.  Achilles bravely tries to intercept it with his robot, only for the impact to knock him down and fall on the bleachers.  Killing many an audience member.  

Due to the tragedy of the events and no clear winner announced, the officials declare the match a draw and give them one week for a rematch to settle it.  However Achilles quits citing his contract being up.  The result of which labels him a coward and a traitor even amongst his fellow Jox.  Alexander is naturally pissed off that he doesn't get to kill Achilles and Achilles despite the heated argument between them, officially passes the torch to Athena.  By handing him her lucky jacket.  

Now the one thing that irks me is that people label Achilles this and that for quitting, but the man accidentally killed the very audience he was trying to save.  Needless to say that would fuck anyone up. At first I thought they were being careless morons, but it seems like they have total disregard for public safety in favour of the fight as Athena and another GenJox said they would have let the audience die just so Alexander could get eliminated on a technicality. That disgusts me and I'll tell you why.  The entire idea of the Robot Jox matches is to minimize war casualties while still settling disputes by combat. If you let the very people this match is supposed to save die, then what's the fucking point?

Anywho the rest of the movie is dealt between Achilles life outside the Jox circuit as well as Athena's progress in training.  With Achilles, he goes home and reuinites with his family. Whom in celebration of retirement is offering him dinner with real meat.  As comically portrayed as a single hot dog in a pot of cooked beans.  Despite the unconditional love they have for him, they received angry calls and death threats from fans claiming him to be a traitor.  Meanwhile Athena and the other GenJox compete for Achilles' vaccant spot through a training session called The Rattle Room.

The Rattle Room is a jungle gym like structure in which the Jox have to climb up to enter a small hole at the top of the ceiling.  However, the climb is not so easy. For various disasters such as breakaway and heated bars make it more difficult.  Athena succeeds while the others fall and injure themselves. People thought this scene was pointless as they had no idea what this session has to do with being a Jox.  I beg to differ. The course is constructed to look like the workings of an active robot and in the event you are thrown out of your bot, you need to use the skills necessary to climb back in and keep fighting.  The structure could be too hot or broken to simply hang on.

Achilles sees Athena's achievement and is proud at first, but when he hears, she's going up against Alexander, he re-enlists.  On the condition that no one is in the bleachers.   Naturally Alexander is thrilled to be fighting Achilles and Athena is pissed.  Tex, Achilles and their main scientist  Dr. Matsumoto, discuss their battle plan and Matsumoto insists that only he knows the new weapons.  So that there is no leakage.  This causes Tex to suspect Matsumoto being a spy.  However as it turns out, Matsumoto catches on that Tex is the true spy.   Prompting Tex to kill him and make it look like suicide.  Meanwhile Athena fights and tranquilizes Achilles so she can take his place.   Achilles wakes up too late and Athena takes on Alexander.  Tex claims that Matsumoto is the spy, making his secret weapons useless to them.   However when Athena watches an instructional video on one of the weapons, she along with the rest of the Market find out to their horror that Tex is the spy and he killed Matsumoto.  Matsumoto anticipated his death and left his camera on after recording his last instructional video.  Now as much as I hate Tex, I give him credit for this.  He doesn't try to hide himself, in fact he even tells them to watch the moment where he shoots Matsumoto.  As if he's watching a great part of a movie.  When the authorities come down on him, he not only flees, but kills himself in an epic hilarious fashion.  By taking a swan dive off the the top of the Jox garage and falling to his death.  Realizing that the weapons are useful after all Achilles coaches Athena, which gives her an advantage over Alexander, by blinding him and disarming one of his Robot's arms.  However Alexander overwhelms her and lays a beatdown so savage, the referee tries to stop it by declaring him the winner.  However Alexander is enraged that Achilles isn't the pilot and tries to kill Athena out of spite, risking a forfeit.  Only for Achilles to arrive, getting Athena out and getting into the robot himself.  The ref's aircraft gets knocked out, cementing Alexander's forfeit and giving the win to the market.  However their fight isn't finished. 

Both robot's take flight in space and Alexander destroys the heel of Achilles' robot, causing him to crash down.  He switches his bot to tank mode to try to keep the fight going, but Achilles trumps him with I kid you not a chainsaw dick.  Literally face fucking the bot.  Achilles gets out and uses Alex's severed arm's rocket to destroy his Jox.  Causing him to fall out.  However the fight doesn't end there.  Instead, both of them are Bot-less and beating the shit out of each other the old fashioned way.  Achilles subdues Alexander and tells them, they don't have to kill each other, that they can live knowing they fought well.  In a surprising change in heart, Alexander gives Achilles the RobotJox "Crash and Burn" salute, which Achilles accepts.  Ending the movie.

The movie itself was made in 1987 and finished in 1989.  However it didn't get released until 1990.  Because it was filmed at the tail end of the Cold War and The Cold War officially ended in 1990, the public was not interested in seeing two sides fight each other anymore, even in giant robots.  However because it was part of a legacy of films by Stuart Gordon and was apart of Joe Halderman's career in Science Fiction, it received a huge cult following. Which I believe will increase due to the recent tensions going on with the world and Russia right now.  Gordon and Halderman didn't like working together on the film because each had their own ideas about it.  Gordon just wanted to make a popcorn flick with fighting robots, while Halderman wanted to give it some substance with his political motifs.  To them it seemed like a clashed mess, but to me, it gives an organic film and balances the stuff out well. I think everyone should watch it and maybe despite it's B-Movie status, it could get everyone thinking.  

Now I can't close out this review without mentioning the effects.  For a B-Movie, this had an effective special effects budget at the time, using a combination of miniatures, anamatronics and stop motion animation to give it the look that you are seeing Giant Robots fighting each other.  This was before CGI replaced everything, so this was considered an impressive feat at the time.

 
Until next time, stay safe and Crash and Burn.

Straight Up Reviews: Dolls

In 1963, the Twilight Zone released it's 126th episode. "The Living Doll." About a talking doll who was in a feud with her kid's stepfather which eventually ended in his death.  The show was what became the precursor for the killer doll genre of Horror Movies and Shows.  However, it didn't gain traction until 1987 when Stuart Gordon, released what I can only describe as the most family friendly R-Rated Horror film I have ever seen in my life. This was the movie that predated Child's Play by a year.  A movie that at the time was considered too tame compared to Gordon's other works like Re-Animator and From Beyond. This is Dolls. 

 

As the 2nd anniversary of his sad passing is 14 days away from this article, I thought I'd look into his works outside the Lovecraft stuff.  Both Horror and otherwise, starting with this.

The movie itself was made, due to Gordon reportedly having a phobia of dolls. Which he decided to express to his audience and boy did he.

The movie takes place within the English Countryside and starts with three people.  A little girl named Judy Bower, her father David Bower and her Stepmother Rosemary Bower.  She is basically the daughter of divorced parents and per custody rules, he's allowed to see her once every summer.  However if you got to know these two, you'd wish he'd be prison raped.  They verbally and sometimes even physically abuse Judy while downplaying her active imagination.  Nostalgia Critic once called Joe Paulson of Tommyknockers, The 6 Million Dollar Asshole for cheating on his wife and treating her like crap.  If that's the case then these two are the Terminator of Assholes.  They never stop being assholes.

Their car gets stuck in mud, in the middle of a storm and while they look for shelter, Rosemary decides to be an even bigger Asshole by throwing Judy's Teddy into the woods.  But don't worry, the Teddy comes back, grows 8 feet tall and mauls them both in revenge. End of movie right?  Psyche.  Actually that was Judy's imagination at play and her parents are still there to be assholes.  Now on one hand they deserved that, but on the otherhand it makes me feel bad for Judy, because they been so abusive to her, that she's already imagining them dying a bloody painful death. It makes me wonder if she may one day snap and kill them herself.  Luckily she's a kid in a horror movie and unless her name is in the title, she's not a villain.  

They find what looks like an abandoned farmhouse and break in through the basement.  Only to be greeted by an elderly couple, the husband with a shotgun in his hand.  End of movie right?  Well no.  Unfortunately Judy saves her two parents just by showing up and explaining what happened to them.  The couple, Gabriel and Hilary Hartwicke welcome the trio with open arms and invite them to their kitchen for dinner.  You'd think David and Rosemary would treat Judy more nicely for saving their asses, but no. Gabriel introduces himself as a toymaker.  One of many people who makes and collects all kinds of old toys, from puppets to of course Dolls.  While they have dinner, Rosemary lies about the Teddy Bear, when Gabriel inquires about Judy not having a toy of her own.  Gabriel gives Judy, Mr. Punch.  An old Puppet from the famous puppet show Punch and Judy.  Three more guests arrive.  Two foul mouthed Cockney Punkers named Isabella and Enid. As well as Ralph. A nice guy with the heart of a child, who picked them up after Rosemary side-swiped them with their car.  Their original intention was to sweet talk and tease Ralph so that they could steal his wallet and car keys, but like the family before them, his car gets stuck in mud too.  

The Hartwickes invite them all to stay with them for the night and assigns them their rooms.  When Isabell discovers that the dolls are antiques, she an Enid hatch a plan to steal them.  Not knowing the Dolls are watching their every move. 

When Isabell attempts her plan, she's stalked and brutally beat up by unseen figures. Judy, who went out to get some water spots her bloodied beat body being dragged away, by what she thought were elves.  She tries to tell David and Rosemary, but they not only don't believe her, Rosemary threatens to beat her if she doesn't leave.  So she promptly does.  She goes to Ralph, who while skeptical, helps Judy find Isabel to humor her.  They both notice a pool of blood on the floor where Isabel used to be and follow it to the attic.  All they can find are toys, but a thunderbolt reveals Isabel tied up with a Doll's head replacing hers.  Unfortunately for her, they don't see her. Ralph and Judy try to tell the parents again as well as Enid, but both jump to their own conclusions.  Enid thinks Ralph killed Isabel, out of rejection.  David and Rosemary think Ralph is a pedophile and warn him away from her.  While I hate the two, I gotta admit at least they're not Pedos.  Not that it makes them any better.  Judy runs away and the rest close the doors on Ralph literally, while David chases after Judy. Threatening to destroy punch,  but much like Talky Tina, it's easier said than done as Punch is not only apparently invulnerable, he disappears when David burns himself trying to burn Punch.   Meanwhile, Isabel discovers the truth the hard way. First when the Dolls smash her radio and later on when she discovers Isabel.  What the audience once thought was just some cruel mask, was actually her head as her eyeballs pop out.  Enid valiantly fights the dolls off, using a candle to torch them and her belt as a makeshift flail. However her luck runs out when she gets shot to death by toy soldiers. While waiting for David, Rosemary is also attacked and decides to take her own life rather than be killed by the dolls, by jumping out of a window trying to escape. 

Ralph finds Judy who is reunited with Mr. Punch and Judy reveals that she knows what might be causing all the trouble. She takes Ralph to a room full of various dolls.  When Ralph realizes they're alive, he immediately thinks they're gonna kill both Judy and him and tries to stomp his way through.  Naturally this pisses them off and they would have killed Ralph too.  Fortunately, Judy tells them to leave him alone. Which confuses them, so they decide what to do with them. Not letting them leave the room. 

David comes back to his room and tries to have alone time with Rosemary, only to find her corpse in the bed.  He immediately assumes it's Ralph, so he vows to kill him. 

The Dolls decide that Ralph is ok, since Judy vouched for him and they know he'd never hurt her.  Unlike David and Rosemary, Ralph takes the hint and leaves peacefully with Judy. However an enraged David comes storming down.  Ralph tries to tell him about the toys, but he refuses to believe him.  Ralph gets knocked out and David knocks Judy out when she tries to stop him.  Just when he was gonna finish Ralph off for good, Punch saves the day and a fight between man and doll ensues. The other dolls take an unconscious Ralph and Judy to safety.  David wins and smashes Punch's head off with a sledge hammer.  Killing him for good. The Hartwickes come down, unfazed by his crazed behaviour.  They reveal themselves to be witches. That some of the toys are fairies possessing constructs and that they purposefully, magically make bitter people appear in their homes to test their conviction.  Should they pass, they are let go.  Should they fail. Well remember when I said some of the dolls are fairies? Well the rest are those who also fail their test.  As shown when Ralph turns into a replacement for the broken Mr. Punch.  

Morning comes and Ralph and Judy regain consciousness.  Gabriel and Hillary convince them that the events last night were all a dream and that David, Rosemary, Isabell and Enid have left while they were out cold.  Judy believes it, but Ralph is skeptical.  They get Ralph's car out of the mud and task him with taking Judy home to her mother. Before she leaves, she finds her Teddy Bear in Ralph's car, believing that he came back on his own out of loyalty.  Instead of keeping him, Judy let's the Hartwicks keep him so that he'd have other toys to play with. They leave and Judy hints that she wants Ralph to marry her mother, so she can be his step daughter. 

The last shot are David, Rosemary, Enid and Isabel all quivering in fear in their new doll forms.  Even Death not stopping their punishment.  All the while a new family gets stuck in the mud. 

The movie is probably one of the strangest, yet greatest works I've ever seen of Stuart Gordon's.  If not for the blood, gore and F-bombs, you'd think this was a horror movie that was fun for the whole family.  And it also becomes a precursor to Gordon and Yuzna working on Honey I Shrunk The Kids 2 years later. Which also combined family friendliness with horror.

The film didn't do as well as his Lovecraft movies before, due to the blood and gore being toned down.  However it received a cult following, by fans of his work.  Before his death, Gordon wanted to do a sequel that followed up on the first movie. Which involved the Hartwicks somehow smuggling themselves to Judy's home as dolls. It's a shame really, I would have loved to see where this went.  Though I'd love to see how the new Mr. Punch/David would be if they did. Would he be a protector or would he want revenge on Judy, Ralph and The Hartwicks?

Dolls also served as the template for many many killer doll movies and shows that came after, From Child's Play to Puppet Master.  Yet unlike the Puppets who choose the side of their master good or bad and Chucky who is pure evil, for once it was refreshing to see the Dolls as the heroes this time. 

I suggest you watch it.  Also be good, for you never know.  Your toys might be watching.

Straight Up Reviews: Bride of Re-Animator

 

Lovecraft is- You know what? Just to fuck with you I'm saying it.  He's not Racist, he's been trolling racists the entire time.  This is Bride of Re-Animator.

This was the first Re-Animator movie in which neither Stuart Gordon nor Charles Band was involved in.  

After the success of the first Re-Animator, a sequel was bound to happen. Originally the idea was that much like the ending of the first suggested, Dan Cain was gonna be the next Re-Animator. He was gonna take a job as a building superintendent, while working on trying to bring Meg Halsey back from the dead.  With Government agents capturing him, re-uniting him with Herbert West.  Both assigned to Re-Animate a recently deceased president.  Unfortunately since Barbara Crampton wasn't available at the time due to obligations with her role as Leanna Love on the Soap Opera, The Young and The Restless; that idea was scrapped and later became the basis of the rumoured fourth film "House of Re-Animator".  So a new story took it's place.  

The story opens with a dark background with a slow zoom into a familiar Talking Head. Dr. Carl Hill.  Whom vows revenge on Herbert West for the events of the first movie. That's strange, I thought he already killed him.  A bit of an explanation here.

Originally the movie was gonna open with a deleted scene, taking place exactly where the end of the first movie left off.  With another actress replacing Crampton as Meg, to show that Daniel Cain failed to revive her as the dosage was not enough to keep her alive.  West shows up covered in blood explaining that Hill didn't have the guts to finish him off.  This implies that the overdose he gave, Hill's headless body, which turned his intestines into tentacles, eventually died off. However since this scene is deleted I offer an alternate theory.  

The actual explanation is that because Herbert West proved to be a popular character, they made him contractually immortal.  However if you put the extended edition of the first movie into play, where he injects a diluted version of his Re-Agent into himself, to keep him awake and his brain sharp; you'd think as much as I do, that it made him more durable than the average human being.  

The movie then opens proper, 8 months after the events of the first movie. The events dubbed "The Miskatonic Massacre" despite only three people being officially killed.  4 if you count West as presumed dead.  The other three being Meg Halsey, Dean Alan Halsey and Dr. Carl Hill.  West and Cain volunteer as medics during the Peruvian Civil War,  which West uses as a means of getting more test subjects, while at the same time finding ways to perfect his Re-Agent.  Which he discovered in the form of a Cusco Iguana that was native to Peru.  He explains to Dan, that they've gone beyond simply re-animating the dead and that the events of the previous film, proved that reticular consciousness, doesn't just exist in the brain, but also in every part of the body. 

The front lines have weakened and enemy soldiers come in, prompting Dan to kill one at the cost of being wounded and West finishing off the other two.  Unlike the first movie, where he had no weapons to defend himself, Herbert became wise enough to carry a pistol with him to kill the Re-Animates quickly when they go rogue. Which he used earlier to put down an unruly subject before taking out the other two soldiers.  Herbert packs his notes, Re-Agent and the Iguana before literally dragging Dan home to Arkham.

Now you'll find the opening credits to be different in many ways. For starters, the graphics use have more diagrams on the female human anatomy than just unisex.  To foreshadow the titular bride. The music itself is also less of a rip off of Bernard Hermann's Psycho score and somewhat of a rip off of this:

Romeo and Juliet's Fantasy Overture. The most cliched romantic music int he world.

The movie has West and Cain, working as Doctors in Arkham Hospital. Having graduated last year.  Dan is taking care of a terminal patient named Gloria, whom by her own judgement and Herbert's confirmation, is sick everywhere but her head.  Now Gloria is one of the more interesting characters, because she and Dan seem to share a bond that borderlines on the Florence Nightingale Effect.  On Dan's side of things, Gloria reminds him of Meg and he fears losing Gloria would lose Meg all over again.  While Gloria, possibly due to knowing her number will soon be up, is eternally grateful that a kind doctor like Daniel Cain is able to help her through it.  However Herbert has other plans.  Wanting to use her as the next test subject for their continuing experiments. 

Meanwhile, a police officer, named Lieutenant Leslie Chapman is investigating the events of the Massacre, believing that Dan Cain and Herbert West are the prime suspects.  He interviews pathologist Dr. Wilbur Graves regarding the case.  Where he shows him the apparently dead head of Dr. Carl Hill. Which was found at a Carnival Sideshow.  Bringing Herbert's most famous joke full circle.  Intrigued, Graves takes him to the evidence wing of the hospital, showing other body parts. Stating that like Hill's Head, not a single piece has shown any sign of further decay. As though the Re-Agent has preserved their cells. Making them effectively immortal. He also has a sample of the Re-Agent which he assumed to be a secret project Hill was working on.  The only other evidence being debris which was burned in the incinerator.  As they further investigate, Graves informs him of a suicidal ballet dancer who cut her own feet off, when she thought she wasn't good enough.  Said feet being missing. He also notes that some parts are missing, which leads to both wondering who would steal body parts.

West later sneaks into the evidence section and finds among most things Meg Halsey's heart.  I love this scene, because you can easily see the wheels of creativity turn in his head.  Before he leaves he discovers Hill's head and taunts him for his plagiarism and current state.  The head apparently showing some signs of life.  West however, after a brief glance, ignores it.  Leaving the room and passing by a suspicious cheese eating Chapman. I always loved this scene not just because Combs knew how to break out the puns, but also because of the quick cuts from Chapman and Grave's conversation to West doing his thing.  Seriously "Who would steal body parts." Followed by Herbert peering in almost out of nowhere is excellent comedic timing. 

Dan is later informed by a nurse that Chapman was looking for him, while he tries to offer good bedside manner to Gloria

The next scene takes us to Herbert and Dan's new home. Which is a large former funeral home next to a filled cemetery, Dan catches west messing around with a crypt that shares a wall with their basement.  Which he later covers up with a cabinet. Unlike their previous home, which had a small basement, barely any room for anything more than Herbert's small scale experiments. This home has a larger basement with better lab space. More room for bigger bodies and an even bigger supply of Re-Agent.  Herbert shows Dan two things. The first, a chemical that simulates a heart attack, which he uses on the Cusco Iguana they took from Peru.  The second, using said Iguana, a means of improving his Re-Agent with the following ingredients.  Take it away S.T.

S.T.: While this movie is a B-Movie, I found that much like the first movie, they managed to have somewhat accurate way of showing us that with the right stuff something like what Herbert West is doing can in fact exist  in real life.

1. The Amniotic Fluid of the Cusco Iguana.  Which he especially picked because it's one of the few animals in the world that hasn't evolved in over 100 million years.  This is an especially important ingredient, because that's the closest you'll ever get to having a sample of the primordial ooze from whence we came.
2. Myosin.  A muscle protein that converts chemical energy into mechanical energy.  Basically it's the protein that keeps us moving.
3. Actin. Another muscle protein, which is responsible for various functions including muscle contraction, cell motility, cell division and cytokinesis, vesicle and organelle movement, cell signaling, and the establishment and maintenance of cell junctions and cell shape.
4. Tropomyosin which which regulates muscle relaxation and contraction.  Putting all three proteins together causes this one to act as a bridge between the other two. Preventing over-strenuous activity.  In layman's terms, it means this thing stops the Myosin from using too much energy and the actin from using too much of it's functions.
   
5. The Re-Agent.  Redubbed by West to Dan as "Our Re-Agent." While the chemical process is unknown, as mentioned in the previous movie, it's based on an old theory regarding recharging the chemical process of dead cells.  Back to you Straight Up.
   

Straight Up: The cool thing about the last part was that while we all know that the prop for the Re-Agent is Glow-Stick Fluid. Which is basically Hydrogen Peroxide, Tert Butyl Alcohol and Flourescent dye, the filmmakers were stumped at first on how to create a lab setting that would simulate the creation of the Re-Agent on a larger scale. That was until Jeffery Combs came to the rescue.  Specifically, his father-in-law.  His father-in-law was a chemistry professor and he helped set up the lab that was used in the movie.  He suggested that the end of said lab would be comprised of the separate fluids that created the Glow-Stick fluid.  So that when one poured into the other, we would see it light up before our very eyes.  Simple, yet great effect.  

Now with all those combined together Herbert may have cracked the secret to life itself.  To test the formula, he has a set of fingers as well as an eyeball.  Inspired by the events of the first movie, he starts sticking the pieces together. It was around this time, Dan announced that he's moving out of the house. West tries to sway him, by convincing him that they can create new life.  Rather than inject it like his previous Re-Animates, Herbert can use this concoction by directly applying it to the dead pieces.  In this case he created this:

While this thing is cute in it's creepy way, it wasn't enough to sway Dan. Instead it enrages and disgusts him enough that he insists on moving out.  An argument prompts between them, with West pointing out Dan's hypocrisy on being holier than thou, when moments before he was willing to use the Re-Agent to bring Meg back to life.   That's when Herbert reveals that he is in possession of Meg's heart.  Convincing him that with it at the centre, he can create a new life. Since Dan wants Meg back so badly, he agrees.  Not without warning West of the police.  Just as Herbert scoffs at the idea, Chapman rings the doorbell.   While they were busy, the finger spider gets loose in the house.  So in an attempt to get Chapman to leave, Dan and West try to catch the thing without him looking.  However their strange behaviour prompts him to leave, before unknowingly dropping a heavy book onto the poor little thing. Killing it and killing whatever it used to be twice. 

Back at the hospital, graves discovers what the Re-Agent can do and tests it on a dissected bat. Naturally it springs to life and attacks him, so he subdues it by cutting it's wings off. That reminds me. I wonder how Herbert West would deal with the Covid Situation.   Ah well.  

Graves, getting an idea, brings Hill's head back to life.  Hill recognizes him for his apparently stupid theory of reconciling creationism with the origin of disease. As much as I hate Hill for being a plagarist and a rapist, he does have a point here.  I mean what the fuck does Creationism, literally the belief that one comes from God have to do with disease?  Unless God created the disease or the disease is what caused us to believe in God, it makes less fucking sense.

Meanwhile, West and Dan send Ernest the orderly on a false summon so they could steal the most recent cadaver for their new project. This was exceptionally perfect timing because Graves wanted to show someone, anyone Hill's head talking.  Hill on the other hand plays possum, making it look like Graves flipped his lid.  His reasoning is that he needs Graves' help in his revenge against West. So naturally if he wanted too much attention on a Talking Head, he'd tell them to go see David Byrne.

On their way out, under the guise of taking a catatonic patient out for some fresh air, a dog knocks the corpse's sunglasses, off nearly exposing them.  Dan follows it, and finds himself reunited with an old friend from The Peruvian Civil War. Francesca Danelli, played by Fabiana Udeno. An Italian Journalist who was trying to convince the duo to retreat, before she fled herself.  Herbert shows clear jealousy over her as he wheels the patient out, but they ignore him in favour of catching up. Her dog named Angel used to get his attention.  Wait a minute.  She looks very familiar, but I can't quite put my finger on it. Italian, speaks with a heavy accent, extremely beautiful and looks like she's in the wrong kind of movie.  If anything she looks like someone out of a James Bond mo-- Wait.  No. NO? NO!! NO FUCKING WAY!!! 

 

Daniel Cain is dating Alotta Fagina from Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery. Daniel fucking Cain, is dating the Bond Girl Parody of  Pussy Galore from Goldfinger.  Now in terms of actresses, it's hard to choose.  Barbara Crampton, is gorgeous, but also has the capacity of being adorable as well as sexy.  Whereas, Fabiana is more of a serious stunning type. In terms of the characters they were famous for playing though I would consider her a step down.  Meg only loved one person.  In Austin Powers' words, Miss Fagina is the Village Bicycle.  Everyone's had a ride and well compared to Elizabeth Hurley's character, Mrs. Vanessa Powers nee Kensington, she is way under. However she's not Fagina in this, so let's just assume for a moment that Dan was her one love for the sake of a review.

After Dan invites her to dinner at their place. One of the dumbest things he's ever done despite being the sane one, but we'll get to that later. Chapman approaches Francesca, showing her the mental wing of Arkham Hospital while explaining to him Dan and Herbert's involvment with the Miskatonic Massacre. Where what was left of Hill's Re-Animates reside. Including, Chapman's wife, Elizabeth.  Now it kind of irks me that they would blame West for this, but then again aside from no one knowing, but Dan and Herbert what really happened it is his fault.  Had he not bring Hill back, Hill wouldn't have created his army of Re-Animates.  Including Chapman's wife.  Now the Re-Animates seem to mostly keep to himself, but when Francesca approaches Elizabeth, she suddenly attacks her. Which Chapman notes, she's never done to anyone that visited her before. Now on the surface, it seems easy to feel bad for the guy as through unknown circumstances to him, his wife is now an undead monster. However don't feel bad just yet. 

Back at home, Dan and West, work on the partial construction of the new body. Using artificial bones, skin grafts and blood vessels to keep it patched together.  Dan argues that they should publish their findings, but Herbert counters that on top of not understanding their methods, they'd try to steal the work, much like Hill. Dan does raise a point that if the limbs aren't Re-animated at the same time, the body will tear itself apart. Herbert suggests injecting directly into the heart with the Circulatory system to do just that. Dan doesn't want to risk Meg's heart. 

Before they continue to discuss it Francesca comes over. While they cook dinner and get to know each other more, Chapman stakes out the place. Of course in what is now the true tradition of the Re-Animator Franchise, Dan has another sex scene with a love interest. All the while, out of boredom, West fuses an arm and a leg together, bringing them to life.  Naturally the first thing they do is start kicking his ass, before he throws them into the hole in the wall that leads to the crypt.  While this is a random funny moment, it sums up West's character as a whole. He does experiment, experiment comes to life, experiment turns on him and he throws it away like nothing happened. 

Herbert catches Chapman in his house, who forgoes all police procedure and violently interrogates him. Stumbling upon his lab and questioning him regarding his wife.  Herbert retorts that his wife died of multiple blunt force trauma injuries. Suggesting that Chapman, beat his wife to death during a domestic argument.  Now one could think that Herbert was just bullshitting to save his skin, but considering that his wife attacked Francesca because he happened to be near her, it leads me to this conclusion. His wife caught him cheating on her with a younger woman. They fought, he beat her to death.  Plus it doesn't help his case when upon bringing it up, he tries to Dr. Hill West with a shovel.  Using the chemical he used on the Iguana before, West kills Chapman.  Dan finds out, but Herbert claims his heart gave out. In a bid to cover up killing a cop and testing the re-agent, West injects the Re-Agent into the cop's heart rather than in the brain.  Causing him to come back but like the rest, go nuts and rampage out of the house.  Killing Angel on the way, by ripping one of his paws off after he himself loses an arm from a machete attack courtesy of West and Dan.  

Francesca is devastated and Dan tries to comfort her, but she is suspicious of West and asking why Chapman would suddenly attack like that. Herbert then takes Angel away, dismissing her as hysterical. 

The next morning, Francesca hears a dog bark and goes snooping down to the basement, to investigate. Finding West in the lab, but before he could ask her to leave, she spots angel back from the dead.  She seemed happy to see him at first and vice versa.  However upon seeing Chapman's hand in place of his missing paw, the dog starts growling and Francesca is further traumatized. She breaks up with Dan and runs out of the house.

Back at the hospital, West tries to tell him that he needs one last part to complete the new body.  However Dan is more focused on helping Gloria.  After trying to speak to her, he noticed that she has flat-lined and with the help of West and the nurses, they desperately try surgery to revive her. However it was too late. Gloria was dead.   In a surprising bit of comfort, West tells Dan to go home.  Knowing full well, staying in the hospital would just make him go more crazy with grief.  Poor Dan, first the lady he was helping in the beginning of the first movie, then Meg, now Gloria.   Poor guy probably wanted the hat trick in his youth, but not like this. NEVER LIKE THIS!!

At pathology, Graves turns to booze to cope with Hill tormenting him.  Hill demands that he be brought to West, so he could have his revenge, but Graves refuses.  Hill tries to use his psychic abilities to call his fellow Re-Animates. Somehow Chapman gets the call too. However Graves has finally had it with Hill and restrains him with an apple gag and a towel. Then throws him in the trash bin.

As it turns out though, West wanted Dan out of the way do he could collect Gloria's head. Using Ernest again, he has the rest of her taken to the crematorium for disposal while he sneaks the head out with a bucket.  

Francesca came to the hospital to return Dan's Miskantonic University shirt. Basically the universal 80s "It's over." Gestu-- You stupid bitch. No no no, I mean it, you stupid bitch. I know this is a B-Movie and that there are certain liberties, when it comes to realism, but hear me out.  She just witnessed, a Zombie Cop, go on a rampage, kill her dog.  Then witnesses a mad scientist, whom said cop is questioning for murder among most crimes, bring her dead dog to life with the Cop's arm grafted to him.  Yet, rather than call the police and report a possible dead cop and confirming the suspicions Arkham Police have on him Dan, she simply just tries to break up with him?   Now just when you think she can't get any dumber, when she finds out what happened with Dan losing Gloria, she has this look on her face that screams "Maybe he's not such a bad guy after all."  I mean god damn.  I've seen some dumb, female characters in horror movies. Yet this is the dumbest thing she's ever-- You know what, they belong together.  They make the Baka Couple from Hare + Guu look smart by comparison.

 

Anywho, back at the house yet again.  Herbert presents Gloria's head as the finishing touch, before obsessively possibly  sexually describing each part of the body they used.

1. The feet of a young ballet dancer. Whom committed suicide out of lack of ambition.
2. The legs of a prostitute who was killed by her pimp. (Possible reference to Frankenhooker)
   
3. The womb and torso of a virgin. Who died before she could experience the pleasures of life.
4. Meg's Heart.
   
5. The arms of a waitress.
6. The left hand of a lawyer.
7. The right hand of a sculptress/harpist possible murderer.
8. Glroia's head, which Herbert complimented on it's beauty and usefulness.

Now I'd like to stop this review for a moment and address something I forgot to acknowledge in my previous review.  Despite being a B-Movie series, with misogynistic villains and a gratuitous amount of hetero sex scenes, this franchise has attracted two kinds of groups. The first being a legion of fans, both men and women, who find Herbert West and to an extent Jeffery Combs attractive. Due to his awkward dorky yet maniacal personality.  It also seemed to resonate well with the LGBTQ+ crowd, due to at least in their interpretation, that Dan and Herbert are meant to be a homosexual couple.  Or as fans of TV Tropes would call it, a One True Pairing.  Now bare in mind, I have nothing against this interpretation in the negative, but I would like to take a moment to play devil's advocate and deconstruct this for a moment.  Now this is my interpretation and you are welcome to debunk and contradict it if you can.  However, here goes:

In terms of sexuality, I believe Herbert West is Asexual.  As his quest to beat Death outweighs even the most carnal desires.

In terms of physical attraction, I believe he's Bisexual and I'll tell you why. 

While there have been many moments that point out that he may strictly be Homosexual, both within the movie and behind the scenes:

1. When Herbert and Dan fight Rufus, he's seen cowering behind the bigger stronger Dan as if he is the damsel in distress (Or the submissive in sex terms.) while Dan is the strong hero rescuing him.
2.  Herbert putting a blanket over Dan after the incident with Dean Halsey to cope with his shock.
3. Herbert acting crazy jealous when Dan reuinites with Francesca.
4. As well as many times during the commentary of this movie alone where their actors, Jeffery Combs and Bruce Abbot jokingly act like a campy couple.

This scene seems to prove that he has an attraction to women as much as he does to men.  But much like how part of the attraction to Dan, is because both can speak intellectually about the work while still able to maintain manipulative control over him; he probably has certain tastes when it comes to women as well.

Let's run by the list of parts again and you'll see what I mean, but imagine it in the filter of someone with relationship goals:

1. The feet of a young ballet dancer. Whom committed suicide out of lack of ambition. Which means he's into someone who's graceful.
   
2. The legs of a prostitute who was killed by her pimp.Which means, he is into someone with experience in sex.
   
3. The womb and torso of a virgin. Who died before she could experience the pleasures of life. Which means despite the above he does value in his POV, purity.
4. Meg's Heart. This could mean one of two things.  Either he misses Meg or deep down wants what Dan had.
   
5. The arms of a waitress. He values hard working.
   
6. The left hand of a lawyer. He values a sense of Justice.
   
7. The right hand of a sculptress/harpist possible murderer. He values an artist willing to get their hands dirty.
   
8. Glroia's head, which Herbert complimented on it's beauty and usefulness. He values the overall beauty of it.

I admit I'm not an expert on the differences between homosexuality and bisexuality, but if he were only homosexual I'd doubt he'd fondle that body the way he did.

Back to the review.

He finally convinces Dan and the main event is about to begin.

Back at the Hospital, Graves discovers the trashbin empty and the apple used to gag Hill gone. Along with Hill himself.  With Chapman's help, Hill restrains him and forces him to perform surgery on the sides of his head.

Francesca tries to call Dan, but there is no answer. She catches Chapham sneaking Hill out before he decides to assault her.  Asking her if she likes him. Proving further that he may have cheated on his wife.  Francesca escapes, while Graves vows revenge on West and Cain.  

Graves is locked in the freezer, while the mental ward of the hospital has been massacred.  Hill's Re-animates have escaped.

Herbert and Dan put the finishing touches on the Bride and prepare to bring her to life.  West is momentarily distracted by the loose bricks in the hole in the wall, shaking up.  However Dan assumes  it's just rats.  West was about to use the Re-Agent, when Dan stops him. Insisting he be the one to do it.  In a surprising bit of humility, West let's him. Finally believing that Dan sees things his way.  Nothing seems to happen at first. However the doorbell rings, prompting West to answer it.  He finds a package at his door, but no delivery man.  He takes it inside, despite his confusion. 

Francesca arrives at the house to try to warn Dan.  She sneaks through the Cemetery and notices one of the Re-Animates from the hospital standing guard.  West opens the package to see a pair of eyes staring at him and something flying out.  We barely see anything but a shadow of what it is.  Francesca tries to sneak past the Re-Animates only for Chapman to find and restrain her once more. However in a surprising twist, his Re-Animated wife inadvertently saves her from him, hoping for round 2 of their fight. Causing Francesca to run for it.  Getting closer to the house.

Dan watches over the Bride waiting for some kind of reaction.  She wakes up, but can barely breathe prompting him to perform CPR on her.  Figuratively and literally breathing life into her.  Now before I continue with the recap I'd like to point something out.

H.P. Lovecraft admitted that he only did Re-Animator for a quick buck and further admitted to ripping off Mary Shelly's Novel Frankenstein to do so.  So naturally Gordon and Yuzna went with it and the latter especially invoked it with this scene which also pays homage to the movie "Bride of Frankenstein."  In said movie, when the Bride comes to life, she immediately is repulsed by the Monster which causes him to commit murder suicide out of grief.  

In a surprising Role-Reversal of that scene, upon being able to breathe properly, you can tell by the look on the Bride's Face, that she fell in love with Dan at first sight. 

Dan helps her walk for the first time, before kneeling before her in awe and worship.  It seems he really think he brought Meg back. 

It starts to rain causing the Re-Animates to briefly flee. Allowing Francesca to sneak into the house with Chapman's wife stalking her. Francesca manages to barricade the door preventing, Chapman's wife from entering.   I wonder if the "Itchy Tasty" woman from Resident Evil: Welcome To Raccoon City was inspired by this design. I'm not kidding, they look exactly alike right down to the hospital gown.

As Chapman scales the building looking for a way in, West is searching for the thing that attacked him earlier.  Before he could shoot it though, Dan informs her that the Bride is alive.  Herbert takes a moment to admire her, but she clearly is more interested in Dan.  Much to Herbert's jealousy.  Though jealous of whom more?

Francesca arrives in time to see the Bride herself, but before anyone can do anything, Chapman busts in flashing his badge while that thing flies around.  I always loved that moment, because even though he's dead, he still sticks to his duties as a cop first before forgoing it and trying to kill them, with the Re-Animates in tow.  

West, Dan, Francesca and the Bride all flee to the basement lab, while West tries to hold them off by shooting at Chapman.  Before I never knew why people referred to West as an Anti-Hero as he seems more of a Supervillain. Yet despite not liking Francesca and vice versa, he still takes a moment to push her out of harms way before he starts shooting.  Judging by how Francesca quickly listens to him when anyone else would have taken the time to balk at the Bride or freak out over the Re-Animates, it seems like it's not the first time West bailed her out of a dangerous situation. They were in the same war on the same side after all.Even further proven when West saves her from two Re-Animates ambushing her after.

They make it to the lab and barricade the door. Francesca questions Dan on the identity of the Bride and in a bit of insanity, he insists she's Meg back from the dead.  However Francesca snaps him out of it by reminding him that Meg is dead. 

The Re-Animates start breaking in, with Herbert surprised that they are learning to use tools.  Goes to show that had he not reject his creations so quickly they would have learned to live on their own.  Albeit in a more primitive way of course.

When Francesca tries to comfort Dan, The Bride scares her off briefly.  I don't know how Dan does it. He's such a chick magnet that even the Amalgamation of dead women want him just as much as the living does. Francesca confronts West over the creation and insists that what he's doing is blasphemy.  Which West responds with an epic God Hating Speech that would make Victor Frankenstein proud.

While the Bride tries to put the moves on Dan, Francesca tries to fight her off him while warning him that the Re-Animates are trying to get into the lab.  Of course like any other 80s movie that's ever been out there involving a love triangle between three people. (Four in this case if you count Herbert. Making it a love rectangle.), a cat fight is involved.  West boasts her superiority, but let's face it, you can tell he wishes he has some popcorn with him.  

Dan snaps out of it fully when The Bride dominates the fight.  Calling her a monster. West seems to change his tune right after. Dismissing her as nothing but an assembly of dead tissue. 

The Bride makes one last attempt to make a move on him, putting her hooker legs to work, but Dan rejects her.  Prompting her to attack him, before figuratively and literally fall to pieces, in a spectacular display of gore. West dismissing it as "Tissue Rejection".

At the same time, the Re-Animates break in and Chapman restrains Francesca once again.  As much as I hate this guy, I gotta admit, he does not give up. Of course the wife is ready for Round 3.  

West re-opens the hole in the wall to escape and we see the flying thing.  It was Doctor Hill's head.  He forced Graves to surgically graft the bats onto the sides of his head so he could fly.  Now not many question how he's able to do this because....well B-Movie.  However, I'd like to take a crack at it.

It's been officially established here, unlike the first one that Hill can psychically control the Re-Animates.  Who's to say on top of telepathy he can't be telekinetic either?  He probably uses the Telekinesis to fly, while using the bat wings to stabilize him.  Also Yuzna must have been a huge Castlevania fan, because this looks reminiscent of the Medusa Heads. 

Behind Hill are all the different experiments West made that inspired the creation of the Bride.  Chapman restrains West this time, insisting he's under arrest, before throwing him into the hole to be attacked by his creations.  The closest we ever seen this series use the true ending to the original story. 

Dan and Francesca try to escape, only for Hill, Chapman's wife and other Re-Animates try to drag them into the Crypt with West. The ensuing chaos causing the centuries old tomb to collapse.  Dan manages to get Francesca away from the wife and they make their escape.  All the while West is surrounded by Hill, Chapman, The Re-Animates and his hybrid creations, keeping him still long enough for the Crypt to collapse onto them. Intent on taking West with them. 

Dan and Francesca escape by literally digging themselves out from under the Cemetery.  I love the symbolism here.  Because he and Francesca come out of the graves. In essence escaping what's happened, rejecting West for the last time and moving on with their lives.

However the last shots of the movie show Hill still alive and Meg's heart beating to a stop.

The movie itself seems to veer more on the comedy side. Becoming a bit more like a precursor to what will eventually be the formula for Full Moon Productions as a whole, that Puppet Master started.  However, it does seem to hold up just as well as the first movie, having legit scary moments and is one of the few Lovecraft movies to have a happy ending.  Something Lovecraft himself could never do, but I often wonder how he would. 

That being said, I don't really like it as much as the first movie.  It's not a bad movie, but it's not that good either. However it was successful enough to warrant my personal favourite of the series. Beyond Re-Animator.  Which I will get to soon. 

Until then, stay safe and watch out for dead heads and noBODIES.